


Always Out of Reach

by poisontaster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexuality, F/M, Jess Finds Out, M/M, POV First Person, Pegging, Pre-Series, Sibling UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-08
Updated: 2008-04-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 01:52:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4942087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisontaster/pseuds/poisontaster





	1. Jess

I always knew you were adventurous. I always felt so lucky about that. It's not often that you can find a guy who's into all that stuff. Sure, they'll let you tie them up a little, silk scarves and kinky lingerie, but a lot of guys—most guys—they're afraid to take it any further than that.

Not you.

Which is funny, because I know for a _fact_ that none of our friends would ever guess how you love my little pink dildo probably better than I do. When we all went to The Jaybird together, nobody guessed that we were actually shopping for you. And God knows, nobody ever gets to hear the greedy little moans you make when I fuck your mouth with it, when I let you suck me off.

I don't know why it never occurred to me that you might be a little into guys.

Maybe because I never caught you scoping anybody. Not a dude, anyway. I knew exactly which girl would turn your head when we were out on the street—and hey, no harm in looking—but I never saw you look at a dude. Not once. Not until.

You've got good taste. I gotta give you that, Sam. Your boy…he was fine. Strong, sculptured jaw and a face that could break your heart. And those _eyes_ … Man. He made me a little weak in the knees, a little wet down below. And I reached for your hand. You know, just to remind myself how really good I've got it and I saw you. I saw you looking.

And why does it feel like I should say I _caught_ you?

Well, hell, Sam. We'd been going together for six months by then. I know your so-turned-on-you-can't-think face. Your half-opened mouth. Your shocked big eyes. The way you swallowed, like there was no spit left in your mouth.

And you know, it didn't bother me—oh, quite the contrary. It didn't bother me that a guy would turn you on. No. What bothered me was the way that, when you caught me looking at you, how _fast_ your face shut down. Like a door slamming shut. And suddenly, I felt like I didn't even know the guy looking out at me.

I know you don't talk about stuff, and I don't like it much, but I never felt like you were _keeping_ something from me. Like you were actively engaged in deceiving me.

I don't know why you think we fought that night. Maybe you thought I was accusing you of being queer, I don't know. I don't believe, even now, that that's something that would bother you. Nobody who loves cock—even fake cock—as much as you do could be that insecure about it, can they?

But you scared me that night, Sam. You really did. Not that you would hurt me…I don't know what I was scared of. Scared of you. Scared of that whole part of you that I don't know. That you won't show me.

And sometimes I think…I think I really don't want to know.


	2. Sam

I never planned to tell anybody. I mean that in all seriousness. I thought about it before I left and I'd made a promise to myself. That I was never going to tell _anybody_.

Not Dean. And not you.

Everything seemed so _clean_ then. Not me, obviously. I'm not clean. I'm…

And I told myself that it was okay. It was okay because I never did anything. I never told anybody. It was just…dreams and daydreams. Shit that I was going to leave behind me with the hunting.

It shouldn't have been a relief when my Dad told me to stay gone, but it was. It _was_. Because then I could be angry. And because I could know that I was safe. Once I was away from Dean…

I need you to understand that. I… I wanted him. God, I wanted him. But I never _did_ anything about it. I never did _anything_. It made me sick, the whole thing. It still makes me sick. I'm not…proud of who I am.

And you… I never planned for you, Jess. I never planned for there to be anybody, really, but especially not you. You gave me everything I couldn't have. And I love you. I need you to know that, too. That I love you. I don't… You're not a surrogate for someone else. You're not a surrogate for him.

I love what we do together. You make me feel like… Like I can be this person you see when you look at me. Like I'm not so fucked up. Like it's okay that I loved my brother just a little too much, because I walked away and found something _great_.

Shit.

I wish I could show you what it was like, growing up. Just…I never had anybody but my Dad and Dean. Nobody steady. Nobody permanent. Just a series of faces going past our car windows. And maybe that's why. Or maybe I'm just wired wrong. I don't know.

But I left. I _left_. And I'm here now. And I don't… I don't want that anymore. I never wanted it, but I especially don't want it now. I want…this. I want us.

And…maybe I can't have that any more. Maybe you…I don't know. You're not looking at me and I don't know how to make this right, Jess. If you could just tell me… How do I make this right? Because I never did anything. I never told Dean. Never laid a hand on him. And I never cheated on you, not once, ever. And I don't know if those things matter to you. I don't know if you care, if they count…but I swear to God, Jess, I swear to _God_ , I will do anything if I can just make this right with you.

Because I need you. And I love you. You mean…so much to me. And I know I don't say that enough. I know… I'm not good with that kind of stuff. Three men all together…there weren't a lot of…heh. Chick flick moments, you know? I don't know how to talk about any of this stuff with you. But you know me. I know you don't think you do, but you do. As well as anybody on this earth, _you know me._

Please look at me.

Please, Jess…even if you're going to leave…just…just look at me.

I don't want to be without you. I don't want you to go.

I need you. I need you…to love me. To make me better than I am.

Please, Jess. Please.  



End file.
